Over the past few days that Godfather's coffin was placed at his home, every night I went to see him and speak to him. Sometimes it was as brief as me telling him my name and that I have come to visit him. Last night, it was a longer conversation.
Last night, I went over to visit him as usual. I recalled & told him the little moments that we used to share together- how much I cherished them. Told him that those moments mean a lot to me, and I do remember them vividly.I told him that I might have never told him verbally how much I love him while he was alive. Told him "But tonight, I want to tell you ..Daddy, I love you".
Today I attended my godfather's funeral.
After seeking approval from Godmum, I took part in the procession as part of the family.
Before the coffin was closed, I hugged Godmum, and went to see him for the last time, together. I told him to rest in peace and promised I will live my life well....
As were were performing the rituals for him, it was drizzling. It was as if the sky is mourning his loss, together with us too.
Holding the joss stick, listening to the nun reciting the mantras, my eyes alternated between the amber of my joss stick and on godfather's photo. As the ambers fell down in ashes onto the floor, I was reminded how fragile life is. My mind went back in time to how we used to be when he was around.
When I was a small girl, he used to wake me up from sleep over the weekends when I have sleepovers at his house. He would be singing songs with glee, indicating that it is time for me to wake up and head to the market with him and godmum for breakfas. I can still see clearly his joy and anticipation as he sings " To market, to market, to buy a fat pig..." He was one of the few people who always find joy in little little things in life.
And he liked to pat my head with affection, (even when I have grown up to be a teenager), singing with Rhyme - Ling Ting Ting... (as my name is Ling...and he came up with the words Ting Ting to make it rhyme..). I guess in Daddy's eyes, I am always his little girl. I was always known as "Lai(4th intonation) Lui" (youngest daughter) rather than "Lai(2nd Intonation) Lui)- babysitted daughter?.
Godmum used to like to make fun of me - whenever she introduced me to friends in the market that I am their Lai(2) Lui, I will proudly and adamantly correct her and said that I am their Lai(4) Lui. And she never fails to laugh with glee to the fact that I insist on being part of their family.
Ah... and whenever I talk about my favourite singers or actors, he will always guess that it is Aaron Kwok, even if I have told him that it is not....And how godmum ALWAYS gently chided him and 'reprimanded' him for not having the correct information.
He was a gentle, patient, and true to his character type of person. Hard to find in today's society...
When my own dad was scolding me for misbehaving, godfather next door will be pacing restlessly and feeling sorry for me...
Godmum related this story to me too- once he was at the coffeeshop having brunch with his usual gang, when my other neighbour were telling the others on the table that her niece has obtained 5A's for SPM. Upon hearing that, he literally jumped out from his seat and went to tell the whole table that HIS Chooi Ling got 10A1s, and reiterated the fact numerous times that it is not just 10A's but it was 10A1's. I can imagine him showing 10 of his fingers animatedly with his eyes wide open, totally oblivious to the fact that his neighbour was probably upset with him having stolen the spotlight of the conversation.
My mind snapped back to the present as I feel the burning heat from the ambers of the jossstick that fell on my hand.
Staring at his picture, it was as though I see him telling me that he loves me so dearly with all his heart and that I should love myself and my life as much and unconditionally as he does too.I heard him asking me -"If I can love you this much, why cant you love yourself this much". I whispered under my breath, "Daddy, I will.
As I was flooded with these thoughts in my mind, tears started rolling down my cheeks again.
It was a windy day today. As the wind blew against my hair, the warm breeze felt as though it was Daddy's hand carressing my hair, patting my head once more.
In my mind, I see godfather telling me, as he plugged away the tubes that has perforated his body ever since he was unwell - he said "Look, now I dont have to use these anymore. I am free and healthy again. I can do the things I love to do!"
And I see mental images of a healthy and happy him doing his favourite things:-Painting the vases and chairs that he can find around his house, somehow always in green paint, in the middle of the day under the hot sun. He has always loved to do this so much. Godmum used to say that he will only pain on hot days, under the hot sun.And he would just laugh and shrugg off the comments.
I see him going to market wearing a red polo shirt with khaki pants. Then somehow he laughed and said it looks old fashioned, and he was dressed in red polo shirt and blue jeans instead. He was going to market for brunch.
I see him dipping bread into his afternoon cup of tea/coffee...and smiling back at me...
For one moment, I felt that although he is no longer here with us in this world, he is free from his sufferrings and pain and will enjoy a healthy and lively life in the Heaven, where he is fit and healthy to do all the things that he loves so dearly. And he will rest in peace. And he is in fact with us, in our hearts always.
Last night, I went over to visit him as usual. I recalled & told him the little moments that we used to share together- how much I cherished them. Told him that those moments mean a lot to me, and I do remember them vividly.I told him that I might have never told him verbally how much I love him while he was alive. Told him "But tonight, I want to tell you ..Daddy, I love you".
Today I attended my godfather's funeral.
After seeking approval from Godmum, I took part in the procession as part of the family.
Before the coffin was closed, I hugged Godmum, and went to see him for the last time, together. I told him to rest in peace and promised I will live my life well....
As were were performing the rituals for him, it was drizzling. It was as if the sky is mourning his loss, together with us too.
Holding the joss stick, listening to the nun reciting the mantras, my eyes alternated between the amber of my joss stick and on godfather's photo. As the ambers fell down in ashes onto the floor, I was reminded how fragile life is. My mind went back in time to how we used to be when he was around.
When I was a small girl, he used to wake me up from sleep over the weekends when I have sleepovers at his house. He would be singing songs with glee, indicating that it is time for me to wake up and head to the market with him and godmum for breakfas. I can still see clearly his joy and anticipation as he sings " To market, to market, to buy a fat pig..." He was one of the few people who always find joy in little little things in life.
And he liked to pat my head with affection, (even when I have grown up to be a teenager), singing with Rhyme - Ling Ting Ting... (as my name is Ling...and he came up with the words Ting Ting to make it rhyme..). I guess in Daddy's eyes, I am always his little girl. I was always known as "Lai(4th intonation) Lui" (youngest daughter) rather than "Lai(2nd Intonation) Lui)- babysitted daughter?.
Godmum used to like to make fun of me - whenever she introduced me to friends in the market that I am their Lai(2) Lui, I will proudly and adamantly correct her and said that I am their Lai(4) Lui. And she never fails to laugh with glee to the fact that I insist on being part of their family.
Ah... and whenever I talk about my favourite singers or actors, he will always guess that it is Aaron Kwok, even if I have told him that it is not....And how godmum ALWAYS gently chided him and 'reprimanded' him for not having the correct information.
He was a gentle, patient, and true to his character type of person. Hard to find in today's society...
When my own dad was scolding me for misbehaving, godfather next door will be pacing restlessly and feeling sorry for me...
Godmum related this story to me too- once he was at the coffeeshop having brunch with his usual gang, when my other neighbour were telling the others on the table that her niece has obtained 5A's for SPM. Upon hearing that, he literally jumped out from his seat and went to tell the whole table that HIS Chooi Ling got 10A1s, and reiterated the fact numerous times that it is not just 10A's but it was 10A1's. I can imagine him showing 10 of his fingers animatedly with his eyes wide open, totally oblivious to the fact that his neighbour was probably upset with him having stolen the spotlight of the conversation.
My mind snapped back to the present as I feel the burning heat from the ambers of the jossstick that fell on my hand.
Staring at his picture, it was as though I see him telling me that he loves me so dearly with all his heart and that I should love myself and my life as much and unconditionally as he does too.I heard him asking me -"If I can love you this much, why cant you love yourself this much". I whispered under my breath, "Daddy, I will.
As I was flooded with these thoughts in my mind, tears started rolling down my cheeks again.
It was a windy day today. As the wind blew against my hair, the warm breeze felt as though it was Daddy's hand carressing my hair, patting my head once more.
In my mind, I see godfather telling me, as he plugged away the tubes that has perforated his body ever since he was unwell - he said "Look, now I dont have to use these anymore. I am free and healthy again. I can do the things I love to do!"
And I see mental images of a healthy and happy him doing his favourite things:-Painting the vases and chairs that he can find around his house, somehow always in green paint, in the middle of the day under the hot sun. He has always loved to do this so much. Godmum used to say that he will only pain on hot days, under the hot sun.And he would just laugh and shrugg off the comments.
I see him going to market wearing a red polo shirt with khaki pants. Then somehow he laughed and said it looks old fashioned, and he was dressed in red polo shirt and blue jeans instead. He was going to market for brunch.
I see him dipping bread into his afternoon cup of tea/coffee...and smiling back at me...
For one moment, I felt that although he is no longer here with us in this world, he is free from his sufferrings and pain and will enjoy a healthy and lively life in the Heaven, where he is fit and healthy to do all the things that he loves so dearly. And he will rest in peace. And he is in fact with us, in our hearts always.
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